[Trigger warning: profanity, slurs, incest, rape jokes, racism, and other unfiltered access to the consciousness of the Internet]
The Anti-Reactionary FAQ is by far the most popular entry on this blog, with a total of 28,000 page views. Many of those views came from links by bloggers and news outlets, but others came from random netizens who stumbled across it during Google searches. WordPress records the terms they used to get there, which gives us a little insight into their minds.
Were these searchers liberals looking for help debating Reactionaries? Were they Reactionaries dutifully searching for counterarguments against their ideas? Curious political science students lured in by the wide-ranging discussion of social trends?
Actually, they were none of these things. They were porn viewers who wanted videos of people fucking aunts, who had misspelled “aunty” as “anti” and misspelled “fuck” as “faq”.
I wish I was kidding, but read the search terms: “pak anti hot sex with monki and dog”, “dog indin boyfriend sax faq”, “arabis faking indian job antis porn”, “anti best figer sexi image”, “50 yars anti indyan faking fat anti”, “hot sexy bobz pakistani anti u tub”, “ancal anti bobs kising you teub”, “hot indan sexi anti romance in doods”, “ankal and anti se saleeping with baby full sexy viduos on youtube”, “sought indian sexy anti thims”, “pakistani hot and sexey figar yung anti pitcher”, “anty masive nippals”. And on and on it goes.
I couldn’t figure out what was going on until finally, like an old-timey archaeologist decoding Linear B inscriptions, I realized that the word “ankal” (or sometimes “ancal”) appeared beside “anti” in a disproportionate number of these phrases and so they were probably talking about aunts and uncles. Then I noticed a lot of them mentioned Indians or Pakistanis, and found from Urban Dictionary that in Indian culture, “aunty” is a general term for a middle-aged woman. So I think in Indian/Pakistani porn, “aunty” is their equivalent of “milf”.
I’d previously read several accusations that Pakistan, despite its austere women-in-burkas-at-all-times image, leads the world in most pornographic searches. While not actively disbelieving the data, I felt like a lot of this was media outlets being too quick to play up the man-bites-dog-esque “very Islamic purity culture is actually obsessed with porn!” angle. But after monitoring how many pornographic searches my blog gets from Pakistan, I no longer doubt.
(anyway, now the man-bites-dog segment of the media has moved on to the story that very Islamic purity culture Pakistan also leads the world in searches for gay porn)
A while back we conducted a little experiment to see if blog readers knew how the average person thought. Athrelon won and attributed his success to his work as a medical student, where he got to see a broad cross-section of the population instead of the People Like Us In Our Little Bubble whom the rest of us interact with.
If you can’t get into medical school, looking at Google search terms seems like your next-best option. It’s a good way of reminding yourself that most people in the world are neither liberals nor conservatives, but just people looking for some hot aunty porn. So without further ado, here is the second installment of Slate Star Codex’s quasi-annual feature, Search Terms That Have Led People To This Blog.
Search Terms About Being In Love With Your Sister
I made one little post about the phenomenon of genetic sexual attraction, and now I am cursed with a never-ending stream of Google searchers who want my advice about incest.
I already mentioned last year how I got queries like: “siblings attracted to each other”, “my sis is so pretty”, “sweet sister so pretty”, “sister can you not so pretty”, and the scientifically intriguing “are attractive siblings more prone to incest”.
In the last eight months, I can add to that collection: “attract with sister”, “how to attract sister”, “how to attract my sister”, and “how to atract sisters”, which is my favorite both for the spelling error and for the implication that he just wants sisters in general, not necessarily his sister – any girl with a living sibling is good enough for him.
But there’s also “my sister is pretty”, “is my sister prettier”, and “my sister is so much prettier” (hey, man, it’s not a contest). Others are more interrogative, asking “why my sister pretty”, “why i am sexualy attrect our sister”, and the very philosophical “why is my sister”.
Also, one person who got here with “are people attracted to siblings”. I would say that the above answers the question pretty thoroughly, except for one thing – I haven’t gotten anyone claiming to be attracted to their brother. I don’t know if this is just because the original post used the example of sisters (the exact title was “If Opposites Attract, Why Is My Sister So Pretty?”) or because brothers find sisters attractive but not vice versa. So, for science, I’m going to type the following phrase and let Google crawl it and see what happens:
IF OPPOSITES ATTRACT, WHY IS MY BROTHER SO PRETTY?
There. Anyhow, not everybody was asking Google about how much they loved their sisters. I also got “why is my sister a bitch”
Search Terms About Not Being Entirely On Board With Polyamory
I wrote an essay about my experiences with polyamory, and in the comments Spandrell of Bloody Shovel responded with a theory that only ugly people were able to remain polyamorous successfully. In one of my most memorable experiences as a blogger, a commenter then responded with a picture of his fashion model girlfriend, leading Spandrell to admit that “That’s a big piece of……data.”
Anyway, Spandrell’s opinion seems pretty widely shared, since that post has then gone on to get search terms like: “polyamorists are ugly”, “polyamory people are ugly”, “why are polyamorists gross and nerdy”, “why are polyamorous people ugly”, “are all polyamorous people ugly”.
But other Google searchers have entirely different reasons for hating polyamory! Like “polyamory aspies” or “poly or just a whore”.
And finally, some people just keep it simple: “i hate poly people”.
Search Terms That Imply A Heartbreaking Story
“if a woman pleads insanity can she have her kids back”
“can i sue the hospital for oversedating my husband with pain medication and causing his death”
“my grandfather’s leg is starting to rot will he die?”
“is it possible for someone with vascular dementia to be upset with you, yell at you, and then start to be distant?”
“my hearts aches when i think of my mistakes”
“can you condition yourseld to like sex”
“id didn’t match for residency but it turned out good”
“wat can i do to die slowly”
“what happenes to those whoreare addicted to sucking things”
Search Terms By Time Travelers
You may have heard about Nemiroff and Wilson (2013), the study where scientists at Michigan Tech did an automated examination of all search queries looking for things that were searched or discussed before people could possibly have known about them (ie Comet ISON before it was discovered; Pope Francis before he was elected) in order to catch time travelers. Alas, they didn’t find anything suspicious.
On the other hand, someone got to my blog by the search term “survive march 4 2014”, which until I read that query was not something I was worrying about.
Less scary but still time-bending: “scott alexander gets married”. I can just see someone getting increasingly exasperated that my wedding photos aren’t online yet and then slapping their forehead when they remember they have to wait until August 2017.
Time travelers from the past would theoretically be harder to detect, but some of them aren’t even trying: “trial of king leopold ii of belgium next week”.
People Who Typed A Political Manifesto Into Google For Some Reason
“pity the people who idealize the dictators in pakistan”
“sexuality is learned and reinforced like all behaviour. eg. baby rapist are born raping babies, they learn their sexual orientation from by being raped or abused as infants”
“hire a competent white person to do the work of a few minorities that cannot do the job”
“isn’t using birth control better than having unwanted teen pregnancies and abortion?”
“the rothchilds are not good enough to feed to swine may thay fester burn rot and stnk of decay in a sewer in hell full of excreament”
I think we all have our days when we enter long screeds against the Rothschilds into Google search boxes, but some of us are definitely more creative than others.
Search Terms Obviously By Students Trying To Cheat On Their Homework
“some people were trapped during world war ii. one man used elephants to get them to safety. many people feel that the true heroes of a war are those fighting. what do you think?”
“write a story how you and your friend fell out. alternatively you can write about someone else’s quarrel. which of the friends was right / wrong?”
“demonstrate how federal laws are impacted by the times, political influences and even changes in social norms?”
“evaluate shelley’s philosoophy in adonais”
“explain using your own words forms of government under adolf hitler of germany and louis xiv in france” (I like the thought process here: “Hm, it says explain using my own words. Better include that in the search query to make sure I only get pages that are written in my own words.”)
“if you have something white point 075 pounds how many pounds is that be” (I don’t understand this question at all)
“imagine yourself as an aztec nobleman, describe to me your way of life and that of your family,court,slaves,finances,etc?”
“what are the status of feudal monarchies, specifically the actions of king henry iv and the intended and unintended consequences of those actions”
But as always, the granddaddy of the Students Trying To Cheat On Homework Questions is the alien question. I have spun that off into its own post to avoid attracting seventh-graders here and making them read about antis with masive nippals.
People Interested In Albino Black People
This is second only to the alien question people in terms of “I mention how weird it is that something gets so many search hits, and now all those search hits come to me”. On a post about using Google Correlate to play with data, I checked to see what search term was most disproportionately entered by white people – that is, what search term was most likely to be entered by a white person as opposed to a person of color – and the answer was “black albino”.
Well, after that, the readership of Slate Star Codex got just a little bit more white.
“black people turned white”
“albino black people”
“black and white albinos”
And, of course, since this is the Internet: “albino booty”
People With Unexpectedly Detailed Questions About Reptilians
My post on Noisy Poll Results And Reptilian Muslim Climatologists From Mars was meant to use an error in a poll asking about belief in “reptilian aliens” to make a general statistical point. Instead, it made me people’s go-to source for statistics about reptilians. For example:
“percent reptilians on earth”
“are all reptilians muslim”
People Looking For My Commenters
“ozy slate star codex”
“eliezer yudkowsky polyamory”
“leah libresco slatestarcodex”
“scott alexander leah libresco”
“unequally yokes neo reactionaries”
“madeleine ball fda”
“finnish surname sotala”
“gwern abstract reasoning”
“andrew rettek of metamed”
But the number one most popular commenter? “deiseach”, with 19 searches.
People Searching For Information About Rape Culture
As you may remember, I wrote a post detailing my problems with this term. And surprise surprise, even though I can’t get people to learn about statistics or medicine or transhumanism or anything interesting even if I drag them kicking and screaming, the level of fascination with rape culture remains at an all time high. We have “rape culture”, “is there really rape culture”, “what would women do different rape culture”, “rape culture philosophy”, and “bloody rape culture”, which I like to think of as being entered by an exasperated British feminist.
Others seem to lack a certain understanding that rape culture is a problem, like “why is rape culture bad” and “arguments for rape culture”.
Others are less scrutable, like “stars rape culture”. I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone noticed that that astronomical bodies are totally failing to speak out against the patriarchy and so are clearly misogynist. There’s also “modalrape dot com”, which is either a misspelling of “model rape” or else is referring to rape which necessarily occurs in all possible worlds. I hope some of the feminists in philosophy are doing something about this.
People Asking About Qwubbles
“what is a qwubble”
People Searching For A Number of Stalins > 1
Miscellaneous Yet Delightful
“complications caused by eating slate sticks”
“genetics test 31 and me” (finally, genetic testing for donkeys)
“how much is 50 dollars worth of weed in central va” (this is, alas, not the kind of marijuana statistic this blog specializes in)
“sex russia ass big 2013” (I feel sorry for the people who are still stuck on last year’s sex Russia big ass)
“mentally and magically reasoning with star systems of other galaxies and treat them as friends” (is this about acausal trade?)
“i can’t take anyone who uses the term ‘dudebro’ seriously” (My new friend! You are not alone!)
“daniel boon whos making this shit up” (haven’t you heard? It’s all the fault of the Cathedral!)
“inefficient person” (darnit Google, just because I keep writing blog posts instead of doing work doesn’t mean you have to direct this search to me!)
“who is the best pun star in the world” (this, on the other hand, you can direct to my blog any time)
“dyspeptic ploughman” (I like picturing the Google ads for this query: “Top site on dyspeptic ploughman!” “Your source for dyspeptic ploughman!” “Buy dyspeptic ploughman now!” Actually, that works for all of these.)
“can beating yourself up help with conditioning” (Eliezer, someone has just proven you right)
“impregnate me sexual roulette” (Please don’t do this)
“mencius moldbug n*gger” (Whatever my case was, I hereby rest it)
“how to make a star very slowly” (First, get hydrogen. Then, wait.)
“doctor killed patient with fake euthansia” (…then it wasn’t fake, was it?)
And My Personal Favorite
“how to seem virtuous without actually being macintyre”