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More Fictional Drugs Banned By The FDA

See the original: List Of Fictional Drugs Banned By The FDA

PROFILE: Popular weight loss drug proven to work in clinical studies. Patients lose 10 – 20% of their body weight in two months with no side effects.
BANNED BECAUSE: Patients do not lose any mass. The drug seems to operate by decreasing the effect of gravity through unknown means. As such, it does not decrease the risk of heart attack or diabetes. Also, in overdose it can cause patients to be picked up and tossed about by strong winds. It achieved minor popularity as an illicit recreational drug under the street name “Float”.

PROFILE: Cures delusional parasitosis, an unpleasant condition in which patients hallucinate the feeling of ants crawling all over their skin.
BANNED BECAUSE: The drug is excreted in the sweat; a metabolite of the drug, 2,3-hydroxyephdenalol, is a potent pheromone that inevitably leads to ants crawling all over the patient’s skin.

PROFILE: Touted as a treatment for blindness, this is a concentrated retinal growth factor that encourages the production of new rod and cone cells.
BANNED BECAUSE: For unknown reasons, most new photoreceptors form on the side of the retina facing the inside of the head. Patients reported that in the pitch darkness, these cells somehow adapted to view tiny bursts of electroluminescence produced by the brain. This caused a closed feedback loop in which neurons firing in the visual cortex produced visual sensations produced neurons firing in the visual cortex and so on, and led to seizures. No cases of blindness were ever cured.

PROFILE: Anxiolytic medication which, when taken three times a day with meals, adequately suppresses bulimic urges to purge.
BANNED BECAUSE: Side effect is intractable vomiting.

PROFILE: Attaches the time-bending powers of thiotimoline to the classical “morning-after pill” to create a drug popularly called “the month-after pill”. Taken up to a month after conception, the thiotimoline allows the levonorgestrel to have reverse-temporal effect and “prevent” embryo implantation after it happens.
BANNED BECAUSE: In sufficiently slow thiotimoline metabolizers, the drug can prevent conception of children who were already born. In one well-publicized case from Miami, a woman concerned about a one-night stand took “Plan X” three weeks later, and her 4 year old son vanished and was never seen again.

PROFILE: Next-generation version of Viagra, this erectile-dysfunction pill treats erectile dysfunction more effectively with fewer side effects.
BANNED BECAUSE: The tendency for the use of the pill to be associated with an erection classically-conditioned a nutenafil-pill fetish into many users. Entire cottage industries sprang up of sex shops selling nutenafil-pill costumes for partners to dress up in, or nutenafil-pill shaped sex toys. Eventually the FDA just got grossed out.

PROFILE: When given as an intramuscular injection by trained nurses, decreases patient’s level of belief in hallucinations.
BANNED BECAUSE: When given as an intramuscular injection by hallucinatory nurses, decreases patient’s level of belief in reality.

(When certain groups lobbied against the ban on the grounds that psychotic hallucinations of medical personnel would not follow FDA decisions anyway, it was determined that the Psychotic Hallucinatory World and our own world share a common FDA, which actually explains a lot.)

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10 Responses to More Fictional Drugs Banned By The FDA

  1. Cyan says:

    PROFILE: Increases blood concentration of nitric oxide; useful in the treatment of angina and acute myocardial infarction, with far less tolerance than the previous front-line drug, nitroglycerin.
    BANNED BECAUSE: With prolonged use, patients experienced episodes of empathogenic and entheogenic effects with unpredictable onset, intensity, and duration. Patients reported being incapacitated with emotion and feeling as if their hearts might burst.

  2. Dan says:

    How much could we save by giving Adipobarin to astronauts?

    • Vanzetti says:

      Not a lot, unless it can cause _negative_ gravity. Biomass of the crew is a negligible part of the spacecraft mass.

      • On the other hand, we could get some new physics if we found out how Adipobarin decreases mass.

        Also, many people find that losing weight reduces joint pain– Adipobarin might be a treatment with a higher chance of success.

      • Steve says:

        Also, if it only decreases the effects of gravity without reducing mass, the rocket still has to do almost the same work to accelerate to escape velocity.

        However, I can see a promising future as a performance-enhancing drug for high jumpers, pole-vaulters, and parkour runners.

    • Dan says:

      My estimate of the answer to my question: about half a million dollars per astronaut.

      That is based on about 20 pounds of weight loss, Munroe’s (2013) estimate of launch costs at $20,000-$30,000 per pound, and the assumption that the two kinds of weight loss have the same effect on the launch costs.

  3. DSimon says:

    PROFILE: Administered orally to drug researchers, this thiotimoline-chain-based compound retroactively prevents the development of past drugs by those researchers. Developed at the FDA’s internal research labs as a tool for enforcing pharmaceutical bans.
    BANNED BECAUSE: Not officially banned, but effectively self-removed from the timestream due to a labeling mistake.

  4. Anonymous says:

    ADIPOBARIN would have many sporting applications, e.g. rock climbing, basketball

  5. JP H says:

    >… a potent pheromone that inevitably leads to ants crawling all over the patient’s skin.
    I choked on my breakfast. 🙂

  6. US says:


    PROFILE: Drug used to prevent suicides in patients with severe chronic pain by providing pain relief. Highly efficient; one single dose will provide complete long-term symptom relief in 100% of patients with chronic pain, making it far superior to previous generations of pain management drugs. There were no recorded suicides in the study population.

    BANNED BECAUSE: Users die within 5 minutes of having taken the drug.